The Time My Wife Was a Jerk by Deciding to Have our Baby in her Mom’s Car

I have four kids — three boys, and one girl. The contrast of the birth experiences between my boys and my girl is absolutely absurd.

With all three boys, the experience was probably some of the most memorable times of my life, at least times I WANT to remember — they were perfect.

We spent hours at the hospital preparing for birth. We took fun little classes on how to breastfeed with a seasoned nurse. She eased our anxieties with funny stories that injected levity into a stressful situation. Our doctor was a seasoned champ. He birthed hundreds of babies over the course of his career. We received cute little take-home bags with little baby items in them…how sweet. We came prepared for the baby by having all of the blankets, baby clothes, bottles, and baby toys ready for their arrival. We had enough family members in tow to outdo a Dugger-family thanksgiving dinner. Since my wife had an epidural, the birthing was a controlled set of breathing exercises with pushing — Despite the obvious struggles women have giving birth, we were all smiles — it was truly an inspirational experience…

…then, my daughter happened.

There were no jokes, cute take-home bags, or fun little baby classes.

To this day I don’t really remember what happened — it happened so fast. The entire process from my wife saying, “Let’s go to the hospital,” to seeing my little girl for the first time, was about 10 minutes.

There was no blissful anticipation. There was no laughter. There was only what I would describe as pure terror.

With any traumatic or near-death experience, It all seemed like a blur, I really can’t describe it in detail. The only parts of the situation I remember were what I was thinking during certain points that night. They say when events are associated with a strong emotional response, they’re easier to remember. Well, I remember these particular parts because I had emotions of terror, confusion, dread…then more terror that accompanied those thoughts. There also were a few periods of guilt…oh, and more terror. Actually, there was one moment of jubilation…well get to that in a minute. Did I mention more moments of terror?

The following are the moments and thoughts I remember when my wife decided to act like a complete jerk and not wait until we got to a hospital to try to have our baby.

Here’s the 10-minute timeline of events. Let’s begin.

Here comes my Daughter

10 minutes from birth

During the late-night on April 6th, 2006 my wife woke up to tell me she thought she was having the baby. Like with my three boys, I immediately pushed this aside as a false alarm and told her to go back to bed. She’s done this in the past, ya know…cried wolf. I can’t remember how many times we’ve gone to the hospital for the nurses to tell us to go back home because she wasn’t dilated enough.

Then, she immediately woke me back up and whispered in a slightly violent voice, “Get the hell up, I’m having the baby.” I didn’t know it was possible to violently whisper to someone…but she did. This was different, I’ve never heard her use this tone with me before. But, I was a little taken back by her tone, so I reluctantly got up to get our stuff ready to go to the hospital.

…she immediately woke me back up and whispered in a slightly violent voice, “Get the hell up, I’m having the baby.”

8 Minutes from birth

About 2 minutes later I remember walking out the door to bring some stuff to the car and I saw her standing with her legs crossed in the driveway. At first, this puzzled me. I thought, why was she holding her pee? We’re at the house, just go pee. I asked her, “Honey, what are you doing?” She said, “What do you think I’m doing dumbass, I’m holding the baby in,” in a slightly more violent voice.

It was at this moment, the first wave of terror overcame me.

I asked her, “Honey, what are you doing?” She said, “What do you think I’m doing dumbass, I’m holding the baby in,” in a lightly more violent voice.

What did she mean, “holding the baby in?” She’s never said this before with the other boys. At that moment, I had a flashback of our Doctor telling us a few years ago before our third boy was born, about how each birth, it’s easier for her body to give birth (this was our fourth). Our doctor told us, “Eventually, they’ll just pop out — the body just knows was to do.”

Oh, fuc*…was the baby about to pop out?

7 minutes from birth

As we got into the car, her mother got into the back with my wife. As we started to head to the hospital, her mom told me I probably needed to drive faster, so I did. I was driving about 50 in a 35 zone. My wife’s mother told me “Were probably not going to make it to the hospital.” I said, “Yes we are,” so I started doing 65 in a 35 zone.

As I sped toward the hospital, I heard my wife scream, “TREVOR, IT’S COMING!”

My wife’s mom said, “I think she’s starting to crown.”

Uhh, what? I started to do 80 in a 35 zone.

At this point, were still 20 minutes away from the hospital, the closest place was the fire department and the urgent care where we got our youngest boy stitches for hitting his head in the house recently…the urgent care will do. So, I pulled in.

5 Minutes until the birth

As soon as we pulled in, the nurse greeted me and said, “Why did you stop here?” I immediately thought, “Why would the nurse say that?” Obviously, this place is an “urgent” care center. Well, we urgently need a fuc**** doctor — that’s why we're here.

The question didn't exactly inspire a vote of confidence.

4 Minutes until the birth

Shortly after arriving, the next thing I remember was the Nurse trying to reassure my wife and me. Her first attempt at assuring us was saying, “Not to worry, that the doctor has delivered a few babies before.”

That's when the second wave of terror overcome me.

“Ummm, excuse me? What do you mean a few babies?” That’s like hiring my 14-year-old son as a getaway driver for a robbery because he’s driven a few times before. He’s gonna fu** something up, guaranteed. But, it’s not like we had a choice…we were there.

3 minutes until birth

As soon as the doctor came in, he instructed the nurses to get a pan of hot water and some towels.

That's when the wave of dread overcame me.

Uhh, what? Is this 1837 where we delivered babies out on the prairie? Why do we need buckets of water and towels?

Was I right by my wife’s side, holding her hand? Nope…no fuc**** way. She looked like she wanted to tear my face off. The only comparison I can make on what was coming out of my wife’s mouth was the movie exorcist. When my wife looked into my eyes that night, it was as if she could see my soul and every little sin I’ve ever committed.

Then I realized, I was being judged.

That’s when the wave of guilt overcame me. I responsible for this, yup.

2 minutes until birth

They were having my wife push when the Nurse asked, “Did her water break?” Then the Doctor said, “Wait, yeah, we need to break the water.”

Oh.my.Gawd. What are we going to forget next? To actually deliver the baby?

1 minute until birth

As I stood hunching in the corner of the room, like a little coward, the nurse came in to let me know I needed to sign some paperwork.

That’s when a feeling of relief overcame me.

At least for a short time, I could leave the room of judgment.

Birth

After coming back into the room, my wife pushed three times and my daughter was born.

Despite the circumstances, it was another beautiful moment. After I cut the cord, my wife held on to our new daughter. Her demeanor completely changed and we shared a precious moment.

A feeling of jubilation overcame me.

Aside from the fact that it just felt we conducted an exorcism in the prairie in 1827…in ten minutes, we were happy our first daughter came into the world healthy. And, with a bang.